'Twas a night to remember, 'twas a night to forget... or maybe it was day... who knows anymore? All I know is that I'm cold, I'm hungry, and I want to go home. Our fearless band of worthy (as one would guess, most of them haven't had the pleasure of answering to their Gods) adventurers have astounded me once again.
      We join our uh...heroes...as they make "icky" faces over the dead zombies and the tooth-tongued thing they had recently mangled. Now they are walking away, far, far away, back to Zarp and an unconscious half-orc. Spending a few days healing up, they found themselves wondering exactly what other horrid things they would find in this place. The half-orc that wasn't known as "filthy" (by no choice of his own, one could only imagine) cowered in the corner, and the rest of the party could not only barely understand him (it), but didn't really know what to do with him (it).
      Zarp, getting sick of the half-orc pointing at itself and saying "You," suggested the group move on. Everyone agreed that this would be for the best, so they left the half-orc a weapon and moved out. Eventually, Jallarzi and Zarp noticed the half-orc following them, and made the party aware of it. Wow. So far so good. How can you stand the excitement? Well, on to the boring stuff…
      Our party came to a room filled with crates and boxes and stuff. While Jess was doing her thing by going through the crates, the party heard someone in the hall walking around. After everyone took up positions around the door, ready to kill whatever was out there, Max ventured a guess it was the half-orc. He went outside and motioned it into the room with the party. The seven-foot orc-kin proceeded to cower behind the old man, apparently for (haha) protection. When Jess pulled out a breastplate and a spiked shield out of one of the crates, our less-than-dimwitted newfound friend proceeded to take them away… and rip apart the other crates; either in anger or in wonder, we do not know. Good thing anything of value (not that there was) was taken out. The party, visibly annoyed with the actions of "You," once again continued on without him.
      Doubling back to a room that smelled the far side of roses, Max noticed that there were two ways in: one door on either side. The party split up quite strategically (whoa now, big words for this group), with Sir Drakheim, Zarp, and Jess on one side, and Max, Ike, and Jallarzi on the other. Ike proceeded to kick the door in and his team stormed the room. The Paladin busted his own door, and the other three came in as well. The woman sitting on the stall would have shit her pants had they not been around her ankles already. While she regrouped, Ike's instinct kicked in and he raised his axe (could that be the only wood he raised?) as he charged the girl. Everyone stood back and watched as Ike took one swing and impaled his axe in the wall. Shocked, Ike never noticed the woman chanting some Arcane words and, with a slap, stung Ike with a chilling touch. Ouch. There's nothing like rejection. Ike took the hint and backed off, giving Max the time he needed to fire a crossbow bolt right into the woman's throat, effectively disabling her ability to live. She fell down and was fortunately saved from a fate worse than death (not that it mattered) by her less-than-perfect posture. Zarp, feeling particularly useful, gave her the extra shove she needed to complete her voyage to hell as the corpse landed in the pit of bodily excrement.
      Feeling pretty good about himself, Zarp turned to face a less than happy party, who briefly noted how useful her spellbook and components might have been. D'OH! Go figure, Zarp was also the only one small enough to fit down the hole to retrieve the body. Eventually it was pulled up and cleaned of the nastiness via the Paladin's created water. Zarp was similarly cleaned by Max's cantrip. The body searched, and a red key found along with a ring, necklace, and a now-useless spellbook. I guess being covered in human/orc/hobgoblin/bugbear excrement will do that to a book.
      "You" at this point finally finished smashing crates and barrels, only to sit on the floor and begin pondering the meaning of life. Brainpower exhausted a minute later, he eventually rejoined the Old Man...er…party. Why or how, no one can figure out. Moving on…
      We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Bane... At least the song kinda fits as our group of elites came upon a hallway of multi-colored tiles. Rainbow-like even, sort of like a 60's disco nightclub. Zarp and Jess, using their utterly quick wit, blurted out, "THIS MUST BE A TRAP!" Thanks. We've all lost brain cells having listened to that. So, Zarp did his impression of a spider, climbing on the walls to try to avoid the tiles. Nope. He got near the tiles and ended up sicker than a dog, barely landing as his spell gave way. Plan B. (The answer is always in plan B!). Our party figured that there must be some kind of pattern to this horrible ensemble of colored tiles. How wretched, playing with the minds of people by having brightly colored anything in a dungeon. Thinking quickly, Zarp decided to have a go. First the red tile, then the orange, yellow, green, blue, and purple tiles… repeat. Drakheim caught on quickly, and told the party to follow the hop-scotching Gnome.
      Somewhere over the rainbow our short man was feeling pretty big… until he fell down a pit. I mean, through the floor. Luckily, Max hit him with a feather fall. Quick thinking, Old Man! With Zarp in the hole, he was able to guide the party safely around the next trap! Woot! Two for two!
      "You" fell down the pit. Even while being guided.
      After the party was safely across the "huge gaping hole" in the ground, which spanned a whopping two (2) feet (hey, two feet is big to a gnome), it took nearly everyone in the group to pull up the seven-foot, 250-pound "You". The adventurers ended up staring at a huge arc and an even more impressive door underneath that arc. Good luck guys. Have you ever fought a God? Do you want to? Does anyone have any pudding? Where are my socks?!? All this and more answered in two weeks...

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